A friend of mine went on a trip recently with a newly divorced woman. Their itinerary was full of exotic sights, but the woman was so obsessed with the married guy she was seeing back home she barely noticed her surroundings. They stopped to picnic next to some epic architecture and she sat there asking, “Do you think he’ll leave his wife??”
Ack! Can you relate?? Oh my gosh I went through something like this so many times. I just checked out on all the life happening around me, caught up in anxiety over some barely there guy.
It happens to virtually all of us at some point, getting involved with an unavailable guy. If not married, maybe he’s obsessed with his work, vocal about “not wanting a commitment”, preoccupied with an ex or a needy family member, or some other version of unavailable.
Besides missing out on all the good happening in our lives right now, this situation creates all kinds of drama. If we're not obsessing over the guy, then we're lamenting the lack of good guys, or blaming ourselves for ending up here.
We know better than to get involved with someone unavailable… so why the hell did we, and what do we do now?
Well honey, I’m here to tell you this did not happen because you have some fatal flaw, or a tendency to self-sabotage. OR because there are no good guys out there!
In my experience, when you’re drawn to unavailable guys it’s because you are unavailable.
What?! I know, crazy, right? But true.
Look closely and you might recognize yourself in one of the many, less obvious, versions of unavailable…
Maybe you don’t believe anymore that there’s a great guy out there for you. Or you could be thinking you need to fix some part of your life before you’ll be really ready for a relationship.
Maybe you’re craving total independence but believe you’re *supposed to* have a boyfriend. Or deep down, you could be afraid to let someone that close into your world.
Am I ringing any bells?
If you’re in any way involved with an unavailable guy, please consider taking some time to get out your journal and do a little soul searching. The reason for your obsession lies within you, as does the power to be free of it.
The great news is that once you identify the ways in which you’re unavailable, and what you plan to do about them, your obsession with the no-good-for-you-guy will vanish.
And that’ll open the door for what you really want, whether it’s time alone, a relationship that develops slowly, faith that someone meant for you is on his way, or something else entirely.
Girl, it’s time to leave those scrubs in the dust.
P.S. If you're feeling stuck and not sure what's keeping you unavailable, consider a coaching session. For the next month I'm running a Valentine special, "Clear your blocks to true love!" This is one phone session for $75, with follow up homework and emails. If you're ready to get your love life moving forward, give yourself a Valentine gift and hit reply. Let's make a date to start clearing your path to love! <3
Ah, the eternal question.
(It's morphed a bit into "to text or not to text"... or to IM or not to IM, but you know what I'm talking about).
First of all, let me state the obvious. We’re empowered women and we’re certainly not going to follow any rule that says we can’t make the first move, or contact a guy any damn time we like.
We can say “Hi.” We get to flirt and show our interest. Hell yes, we can lady-up and give out our phone number.
Here’s the thing though… once the ball is in someone else’s court, we know instinctively if we go over there and get the ball we’ve actually ended the game.
You know it’s true, sister, that guy you’re interested in needs the opportunity to pick up that ball and decide to play the game. Because when he chooses to reach out and ask you out, he’s investing, and he’s moving things forward. That’s what creates the dynamic energy we’re looking for.
It sucks though, because waiting for the ball to be thrown back can leave us feeling like anything BUT empowered women. We may even feel powerless and anxious, which can lead our minds to coming up with a hundred reasons why it would be perfectly fine and normal to text him or call.
Maybe he’s shy! Maybe I didn’t make it obvious enough I was interested! I’m a modern woman and I know how to make things happen. I can text him if I want to!
I’m gonna argue that when thoughts like this are running through your brain, it’s not actually your bad-ass side talking. It’s your primitive lizard brain that wants to know NOW what is UP, so she can keep you safe from potential rejection.
So when you’re feeling that impulse to text or call or IM him, consider instead taking a moment to feel into your energy and check in with yourself.
Are you *really* having a girl-power moment, about to smash the patriarchy with your bold action? Or are you, quite possibly, having just a little difficulty sitting with the totally normal human emotions associated with a fear of rejection?
If it’s the latter, take some time to breathe and chat with your "inner lizard". Let her know you understand her impatience, but she (and you) will be happiest when you see evidence that there’s some interest coming from the other side, so you’re just gonna go for a run or a walk or a bike ride, and take good care of yourself while you practice patience and let go of control for a little bit.
It’ll be okay, and the exciting energy of mutual interest will have a chance to percolate. Adventure awaits!
And if you don’t hear from him, you can check in with yourself as often as you like, to see what the right move is. Moving on, reaching out, it’s all part of the dance.
You can trust yourself to know the next step.
P.S. If you haven't yet, get yourself signed up for the goddess (and master Life Coach) Susan Hyatt's free Miracle Week! All this week she's sharing daily prompts for 12-minute actions you can take to create miracles in your life. It's so fun! Sign up here; it's not too late to have a week full of the kind of miracles that can happen when you take gorgeous care of yourself. And you'll love soaking up some of Susan's sparkly energy, too!
Jen Mallinger is a trained Martha Beck Life Coach. A former boy chaser, hopeless romantic, survivor of the dating desert, and highly sensitive intimacy avoider, she is now married to the greatest guy ever. She loves sharing insights and action-steps for those looking for love and reciprocity in relationships.