We all have relationships that don’t work out – there’s no way around it. Unfortunately, when finding love is taking forever it can start to feel like it’s somehow our fault.
I don’t know about you, but I beat myself up over relationship fails for years. Any time a guy disappeared or didn’t want to commit, I'd blame myself for not being able to make things work.
A sample of my brain crack: If only I’d been more together, that addict would’ve reformed into the best boyfriend ever. If only I had better boundaries, that hot and cold jerk would’ve been begging for time with me. If only I’d been stronger, better, wiser, or more “chill” … oh man, all the energy I spent trying to change ME!
All so some guy would magically transform into Prince Charming.
What the actual heck!
If you’ve had thoughts like that, please take it from me, it was never your fault things didn’t work out. It was just the wrong guy.
You don't have to change a single thing for the right guy to stick around.
Fortunately, you don’t have to fly blind in your search for the right guy this year, either. And you don’t have to listen to a whole lotta conflicting dating advice. There's something very simple you can do. You can turn inward, and check your intuition.
Now, you may fear your intuition has let you down in the past. You’ve gotten caught up in the rush of a crush, or stayed too long with a so-so guy because you thought it made sense. Well good news! There’s a tool you can use to help your intuition’s truth ring louder than your logical mind or raging hormones.
My favorite tool for checking my intuition is adapted from Martha Beck’s “Body Compass”. Just a few steps, but it’s literally life changing. Here’s how it works.
First determine what your question is, in relation to whatever guy you’re dealing with. For example, “Should I keep hanging out with (insert name here)?” You’re going to check your body’s physical reaction to A. making the decision yes, and B. deciding no.
Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Then say to yourself, “Keep hanging out with him”. Now tune in to your body… What reactions happen in response to that decision? Do you feel expansive, warm, maybe a big exhale? Or do you maybe feel a tightening, or upset, or even like crying?
Once you’ve identified your body’s reaction, shake it off and take another deep breath. Then say to yourself, “Stop hanging out with him.” What response does your body have when you decide that way?
Isn’t it amazing how your body speaks??
Listen to what your body has to say -- she knows what’s up. Following your intuition will guide you gracefully past the wrong men and toward the right ones. AND, I guarantee it’ll make you feel like you just discovered your very own super power!
Here’s some homework to try in the next couple weeks -
Invite your intuition along the next time you go out. Kind of like a chaperone, but more like a sweet fairy godmother, or a best girlfriend.
On an upcoming date, or the next time you’re out interacting with guys, plan a little “girls’ trip” to the restroom. The “girls” involved will be you and your intuition.
Go through the steps I outlined above and listen to what your body compass has to say. Then consider following her sweet wisdom. And remember, if the response is neutral, take that as a sign to keep moving forward with getting to know the guy until the message is clear.
I hope you’ll drop me a line and let me know what you’re discovering!
Jen Mallinger is a trained Martha Beck Life Coach. A former boy chaser, hopeless romantic, survivor of the dating desert, and highly sensitive intimacy avoider, she is now married to the greatest guy ever. She loves sharing insights and action-steps for those looking for love and reciprocity in relationships.