A friend of mine went on a trip recently with a newly divorced woman. Their itinerary was full of exotic sights, but the woman was so obsessed with the married guy she was seeing back home she barely noticed her surroundings. They stopped to picnic next to some epic architecture and she sat there asking, “Do you think he’ll leave his wife??”
Ack! Can you relate?? Oh my gosh I went through something like this so many times. I just checked out on all the life happening around me, caught up in anxiety over some barely there guy.
It happens to virtually all of us at some point, getting involved with an unavailable guy. If not married, maybe he’s obsessed with his work, vocal about “not wanting a commitment”, preoccupied with an ex or a needy family member, or some other version of unavailable.
Besides missing out on all the good happening in our lives right now, this situation creates all kinds of drama. If we're not obsessing over the guy, then we're lamenting the lack of good guys, or blaming ourselves for ending up here.
We know better than to get involved with someone unavailable… so why the hell did we, and what do we do now?
Well honey, I’m here to tell you this did not happen because you have some fatal flaw, or a tendency to self-sabotage. OR because there are no good guys out there!
In my experience, when you’re drawn to unavailable guys it’s because you are unavailable.
What?! I know, crazy, right? But true.
Look closely and you might recognize yourself in one of the many, less obvious, versions of unavailable…
Maybe you don’t believe anymore that there’s a great guy out there for you. Or you could be thinking you need to fix some part of your life before you’ll be really ready for a relationship.
Maybe you’re craving total independence but believe you’re *supposed to* have a boyfriend. Or deep down, you could be afraid to let someone that close into your world.
Am I ringing any bells?
If you’re in any way involved with an unavailable guy, please consider taking some time to get out your journal and do a little soul searching. The reason for your obsession lies within you, as does the power to be free of it.
The great news is that once you identify the ways in which you’re unavailable, and what you plan to do about them, your obsession with the no-good-for-you-guy will vanish.
And that’ll open the door for what you really want, whether it’s time alone, a relationship that develops slowly, faith that someone meant for you is on his way, or something else entirely.
Girl, it’s time to leave those scrubs in the dust.
P.S. If you're feeling stuck and not sure what's keeping you unavailable, consider a coaching session. For the next month I'm running a Valentine special, "Clear your blocks to true love!" This is one phone session for $75, with follow up homework and emails. If you're ready to get your love life moving forward, give yourself a Valentine gift and hit reply. Let's make a date to start clearing your path to love! <3
Jen Mallinger is a trained Martha Beck Life Coach. A former boy chaser, hopeless romantic, survivor of the dating desert, and highly sensitive intimacy avoider, she is now married to the greatest guy ever. She loves sharing insights and action-steps for those looking for love and reciprocity in relationships.